The green shoots of recovery

[policecar]

GREEN SHOOTS OF RECOVERY REVEALED AS PUTREFYING FINGERS OF THE DEAD



CLAIMS the UK was seeing the green shoots of recovery were withdrawn last night after they were revealed to be nothing more than the mouldy fingers of the recently deceased.

Business minister Baroness Vadera said that on closer inspection she realised she had mistaken the putrefying, half-buried digits for an early spring and has now apologised to the corpses' loved ones.

Economist Julian Cook explained: "The economic downturn has forced thousands of people to cancel their private medical insurance and use the NHS, which means, of course, that in many cases they end up being buried alive.


"Additionally, many families can no longer afford a coffin or a qualified grave digger and so the still breathing relative is thrown into a hastily dug hole in the ground.

"But sure enough, the patient eventually regains consciousness, realises their predicament and immediately thrusts their hand up through the soil in a desperate bid to escape.

"Unfortunately, weakened by a lack of food and oxygen, they quickly expire and the hand begins to decompose, taking on a sickly green colour. This is where the minister has become confused."

Cook said Britain could soon be covered in 'green shoots' as more and more companies look to avoid redundancy payments by simply bulldozing their surplus workers into a pit.

He added: "From a distance it could actually be very reminiscent of a fresh spring meadow. The only difference will be the unbearable stench of death."

[Libby]

Eeeeeeek! Beware folks when you think you are seeing the first signs of Spring crocuses popping through your garden!

Presumably these fingers have bodies attached to them?

[mids]

Hahaha!

[yord]

Theres loads of talk of the recovery, the only shame is no one, but nofeckinone, seems to know how, not to mention when , this miracle is to occur.

[yord]

perhaps theyre expecting the second coming

[yord]

in their pants

[policecar]

UK jobless rise of 40,000 in a week just 'tip of the iceberg'
The unemployment total has risen by more than 40,000 in little over a week, with experts warning that this is only the "tip of the iceberg".

By Edmund Conway and Graham Ruddick
Last Updated: 8:03AM GMT 15 Jan 2009

The unemployment total has risen by more than 40,000 in little over a week, with experts warning that this is only the "tip of the iceberg".

In one of the darkest days for UK employment in recent memory, companies said they planned to cut over 3,400 jobs, including Barclays and Jaguar Land Rover.

A further 6,300 jobs are also under threat with companies struggling to stay afloat in the face of an almost unprecedented slump in business activity over Christmas.

Households were warned to brace themselves for repeated waves of redundancies lasting all the way until 2011 as the UK sinks into the deepest recession since the Second World War.

The number of confirmed job losses in the past 10 days alone has mounted to over 40,000, with a swathe of businesses joining Woolworths in either closing down or slashing back their workforces.

News of the latest cuts came as shares in London fell sharply despite the Government's announcement of a £21.3bn package of guarantees for lending to small and mid-tier companies.

Barclays announced it is to cut a further 2,100 jobs – on top of the 2,130 it announced on Tuesday – with the latest round of redundanciess coming from its retail and commercial banking branch.

The bank is one of the few UK institutions to have avoided so far having to call on the Government for emergency cash injections but has acknowledged that its balance sheet has been compromised by the financial crisis.

Elsewhere, Jaguar Land Rover, the troubled car maker, is cutting 450 jobs as it and other manufacturers see their sales slide.

The company, which has been appealing for government support following steep falls in new car sales, said it had axed staff to "help address the immediate challenges posed by the credit crunch". Chief executive David Smith said it was "critical" that the company "becomes a more efficient and dynamic organisation".

Administrators for music, DVD and games retailer Zavvi closed 18 of its branches, resulting in 353 job losses, while pharmaceuticals group Pfizer said it will cut up to 240 UK jobs and manufacturing group Fenner cut 290 positions.

Freemans Grattan, the home shopping company, owned by the German mail order company Otto Group said it would undertake a restructuring that would lead to significant job losses among its 3,800 staff. A spokesman said the job losses will run into "four figures".

Denby Pottery said its 700-strong workforce could be at risk, while telecoms equipment group Nortel filed for bankruptcy protection, which could affect 2,000 UK staff.

A number of economists now expect unemployment to mount tolevels seen in the early 1990s. Capital Economics predicts that the number of people out of work will rise to 3.5m – some 11pc of the workforce.

John Philpott, Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development chief economist, said: "You can't necessarily judge the full picture from the redundancies that we're seeing.

"A lot of jobs will also be lost by simply not re-hiring staff when they leave. The redundancies are just the tip of the iceberg."