Thursday joke.

[druisilla4u]

Texas Job Interview A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Psalms]

Yup, you certainly know Texas! ;D

[mango]

Subject: THE LIE DETECTOR




John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[imam]

Irishman wants to become an Englishman, goes to his doctor and explains his urge. The doctor says that modern surgery can fulfill his wish but it will involve the removal of a quarter of his brain. Paddy accepts this and requests the procedure.

Sometime later the said Patrick has the op and a day after that his surgeon calls on him during the ward round.
The surgeon imaprts the news that the operation was successful but that instead of removing a quarter of his brain they had to remove a third,

Paddy replied ............. Fair dinkum?

[fizzycola]

Potential B & Q Scam

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had
a close call yesterday.

I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed
in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out. Those
less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Pass this warning on.

[druisilla4u]

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,’ Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,’ Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying ’Yes.'
So I said,’ then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...

[Beachcomber]

Woman #1: When my husband and I are in bed and he has an orgasm he lets out an earsplitting yell.

Woman #2: That's normal isn't it ?

Woman #1: Maybe - but it wakes me up !

[druisilla4u]

I rear-ended a car this morning...So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAP PY!'
So, I looked down at him and said,’ Well, then which one are you?'

[fizzycola]

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”

[jaggs]

[druisilla4u]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. She quickly throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that f**k**g lion out of the way."

[Beachcomber]

My girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell at the top of her inner thigh.

It's bloody amazing 'cos if I put my ear on it I can actually smell the sea .....