Funnies.

[sushimo]

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Angels Explained By Children

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
-Gregory, 5


Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it
-Olive, 9


It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.
Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still
the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, 9


Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, 7


My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
-Henry, 8


Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
-Jack, 6


Angels talk all the way while they're flying you
up to heaven. The main subject is where you
went wrong before you got dead.
-Daniel, 9


When an angel gets mad,
he takes a deep breath and counts to ten.
And when he lets out his breath,
somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, 10


Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
-Sara, 6


Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son,
who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, 8


All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses
and boys didn't go for it.
-Antonio, 9


My angel is my grandma who died last year.
She got a big head start on helping me while she
was still down here on earth.
-Nicole, 9


Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal
sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the
animals get better, they help the child get over it.
-Vicki, 8


What I don't get about angels is why,
when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
-Sarah, 7

[cathy]

On the topic (thread) of funnies, quirkies or cuties .........

Schoolboy's dating guide to hit UK

A dating guide written by a nine-year-old US boy is being published in Britain in time for Valentine's Day.


Nuggets of advice include combing your hair, cutting down on sugar and knowing that while 73% of regular girls "ditch boys", the rate increase to 98% for pretty girls.

He wrote that: "It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewellery. Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil."

Greven says he managed to become a dating expert at such a young age by watching his classmates try their luck with the opposite sex.

He said: "Let's say a boy was going to try and say 'Hi' to a girl he likes, I would stand nearby and peek and listen in. If a problem happened twice, I put it in my book. If something worked a few times, I put it in my book, too. I did research around the playground."

Ah .... if the road to true love could really be so simple.

Bless!

www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_3165490.html?menu=

[SKYBLUE]

[radge]

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal
sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the
animals get better, they help the child get over it.
-Vicki, 8

That is a clear representation of a parent trying get their kid over the loss of their bunny. Honestly its jst sick, next they'll be telling their kids Santa exisists.

[sushimo]

Can someone help me find Radges sense of humour button please? It appears to have stopped working....

[Foxy1]

[sushimo]

Love it!!!!!! ^^^^^ Brilliant, and knicked!

[sushimo]

[SKYBLUE]

Will someboby please tell me what's funny about Foxy1's joke?

The marriage invitation

...Seems like a lovely girl

[Beachcomber]

I just HAD to have a closer look .............

[Beachcomber]

One of the barmaids in my 'local' has a party piece involving soup spoons. You know how some people hang a spoon on their nose - well she can hang them on her nipples !

[cathy]

Why doesn't that surprise me? ;D

[radge]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7
Feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
You the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3
pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!..Sweet Lord, I thought you said:

'Turn around.'

[SKYBLUE]

Hahahahahahaha!

LMAO ;D

[sushimo]

How to improve sales:

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how
many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin'
fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat,
so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined
Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"






"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend
and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well
gan fishing."




I hope I don't have to translate all this for anyone!

[SKYBLUE]

Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has officially raised the Italian terror alert from "Run" to "Hide".

There are only two higher alert levels in Italy, which are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed Italy's white flag factory - effectively crippling
their military.

[enlistedgussguss]

walking out of the chip shop last friday with steaming hot mushy peas, cod, and chips in my hand
I spied a cold dirty figure sitting in a doorway
"good evening I said" the voice shaky and sounding hoarse came back "I havn't eaten in four days " I looked at the man in the doorway and said " I really admire your commitment"

[SKYBLUE]

LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS

So god asked Adam, what is wrong with you?

Adam said he did not have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said this person will gather food for you, cook for you and when you discover clothing she will wash for you.

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit that she was wrong when you have had a disagreement.

She will never have a headache and will freely give you the love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God what would a woman like this cost?

God replied an arm and a leg.

Then Adam asked what can I get for a rib?



...The rest is history

[SKYBLUE]

The Ten Commandments

And God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your life better."
And the Germans asked, "what are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments? How much are they?"
"They're free."

"Good then, we'll take 10!"

[mango]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a feckin' towel!