Post by lawrence on Dec 29, 2009 21:12:30 GMT
"Am I Gay?" Self-Examination for Men
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It
means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the
rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but
gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just
think about how you call a dog ... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass
over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to
daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet,
or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte
to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different
types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing
out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to
remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a
"fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than
cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
blow a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that
hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because
you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the
verge on being a fudgepacker.
