The Things People Say...!

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The place to put all you famous/infamous quotes or one liners

Thanks

Sky

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Winston Churchill


Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.


Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning I shall be sober.


Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course...
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

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Quotes from Big Brothers fountain of knowledge
Jade Goody!

Lovingly referred to as Jade-isms

1. "They Were Trying To Use Me As An Escape Goat."

2. "I'm Not Being Tictactical In Here."

3. "Do They Speak Portuganese In Portugal? I Thought Portugal Was In Spain."

4. "Where's East Angular Though? I Thought That Was Abroad."

5. "I Am Intelligent, But I Let Myself Down Because I Can't Speak Properly Or Spell."

6. "The Union Jack Is For All Of Us, But The St George Is Just For London, Isn't It?"

7. " Have They Not Got Seaside's In Birmingham?"

8. "It's Mona Lisa Who's Symmetrical, Innit?"

9. "Rio De Janeiro, Ain't That A Person?"

[Woolf]

You Bastard, I was eating.
Reminds me must get those photos of the walrus at Sea World printed.

Groucho Marx
I didn't like the play but I saw it under adverse conditions.
The curtain was up.

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. (on resigning from the Friars Club)

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

You're only as young as the woman you feel.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I drink to make other people interesting.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him. If he says "Yes", you know he is crooked.

Behind every successful man stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

[on Samson and Delilah (1949) starring Hedy Lamarr and Victor Mature]
Well, there's just one problem. No picture can hold my interest where the leading man's tits are bigger than the leading lady's.

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.


Oscar Wilde
(At Customs) I have nothing to declare except my genius.

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Reminds me must get those photos of the walrus at Sea World printed.

Hey! You! I used to like Walruses ...not anymore!

[Libby]

EXCUSES FOR KEEPING A CHILD OFF SCHOOL ~

"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."

"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."

"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."

"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."

"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."

"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."

"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."

"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."

"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."

"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."

"Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."

"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."

[jonren]

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes."- - - - -Libby

Before you criticize someone, sit an hour on their arse. (original)
Or! sit an hour on their face. (better)

[peterb]

Re#6 Then you'll have gained a pair of shoes & have a mile start on 'em

or----- if you dislike their face I suppose you can fart on 'em !

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Spike Milligan

Book - Silly Verse for Kids

'This book is dedicated to ...my bank balance'

[KrispyKoala]

"Who took the Stars out of the Skies and put them there into your Eyes?"

No idea who said it first,


But damn it worked like a charm.

[Libby]

Kids' ideas about Love
(kids were aged between 5 - 10 yrs old)

Love and Marriage:

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

"Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6

"One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10

"[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10

"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8


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Kissing:

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9

"You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10

"I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7

"The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8

(on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" -- Boy, age 6

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Brilliiant Libby! LOL