Agony Aunt

[pinxminx]

I need one.

[kubik8]

Oh dear. Go ahead and vent...

[pinxminx]

Really?
Oh thanx.
Having a degree in Psychology, it's hard to know who to ask at times.
I'm just gonna put the kettle on ok?
I'll be back in a sec...

[kubik8]

"my daughter goes to private school and becomes someone someday"

If you believe she has to go to private school to be someone (whatever that means) and that's most important to you, then you're with your partner for the right reasons, aren't you?

[kubik8]

Of course it makes sense! Grief, there's a lot of parents in your position.

I wonder though, if you're making your daughter's education such a priority to avoid facing up to your relationship issues?* A good education is important but if she's geared to achieve she'll do so anyway. I went to what was possibly the crappiest Comprehensive school in the country, and while it did nothing for me, my classmate Amanda got four straight A's at A-level and went off to Cambridge.



*WARNING, Kubik is not a qualified... well anything really.

[kubik8]

You're welcome. This agony [sibling of parent] thing is easy stuff. Rarely do you have to tell anyone anything they didn't already know.

You are intriguing though. On this thread you mention having a degree in psychology, yet on another you ask the most incredibly vacuous question of who's the better role model - Katie Price or Cheryl Cole!

Odd.

[feral]

Well, I've just got to put me twopennorth in :
Get out.
Believe me, struggling is far preferable to being financially secure with someone you don't like being with .The feeling of freedom and relief just can't be beaten .
As for your daughter : As Kubik says -if she's smart she'll get on anyway . And have you thought that if you stay where you are you are teaching her that that's the way to go : Go to a good school, get a career , marry and stay with someone you dont like very much just as long as the financial aspect is tickety boo.
You are also probably putting a burden of guilt on your daughter by staying. When I broke up with my ex I found my daughter in floods of tears soon after . I thought it was cos she was upset that we weren't together anymore but no ...she was upset cos she believed it was her fault we'd stayed together so long .

Another thing: Don't dither. Just do it . Otherwise years will pass and you'll still be saying " I'll go soon " And never will .

[yord]

theres nothing without sacrifice

[feral]

Yes, that's true. But subjecting yourself to far more sacrifice than is necessary is just plain daft . The end does not always justify the means . In fact I think it's an oxymoron : If you have to justify something then you can't .

[yord]

you cant subject yourself to more sacrifice regardless, you can only sacrifice, know what your doing and why your doing it

[yord]

the exception to "everything is futile" is sacrifice, with or without the pretence

[feral]

Mar 8, 2010 12:12:19 GMT yord said:

you cant subject yourself to more sacrifice regardless, you can only sacrifice, know what your doing and why your doing it

I said more sacrifice than neccesary.
I do realise that mostly you have to decide what you would rather sacrifice / what is less of a sacrifice, but very often the choice appears to be between money and happiness. This is something I cannot understand because if you sacrifice your happiness for money you must surely ask yourself why it is that you want money . The answer must be because you feel that money will make you happy . Can there be any other reason for wanting it? If that's so then why sacrifice something that is already within your grasp to attempt to achieve it at a later date?
To quite probably end up with enough money to distract you from the fact that you aren't happy

[feral]

Mar 8, 2010 12:30:46 GMT yord said:

the exception to "everything is futile" is sacrifice, with or without the pretence

I don't consider that everything is futile. That isn't a pretence, but more a different interpretation of what futile is or isn't.

I don't consider it futile to want my life to be as bearable and happy as possible. That me being happy is futile in the grand scheme of things is immaterial to me.

[yord]

I dont think you can do more or less sacrifice than is necessary, only sacrifice, total, with the provision that you know what you want. Anything else is deception.

" Can there be any other reason for wanting it? " lmao indeed so , choice, but it has bugger all to do with sacrifice and neither does happiness. If happiness or money is the goal then sacrifice plays a poor part as unworthy as sliting a goats throat is

[feral]

So you want money to give you choices .
What do you want choices for ?

Don't tell me ...let me guess . You'd be unhappy without them .
Erg, you want money to give you happiness

[feral]

Anyway.
You dont need money to give you choices . Choices are available every single day whether you have money or not . Money just gives you a different set of them .

[mango]

quote:
Marry or stay with a man [partner whatever] for money & you pay for it in the end

& from the Talmud:
Do work which is 'beneath you' rather than be dependant upon others.

& if that somebody else is making your life a misery, run run run
if a private education for your daughter is your reason for staying - what example for life is that - & don't think she won't know the truth, you are setting her up for guilt in the future,
show her how to live strong & independant, the best lesson of all

[mango]

Mar 6, 2010 10:16:06 GMT pinxminx said:

Back.
I need a pep talk.
I'm with somebody for all the wrong reasons. I'm financially trapped. I either stay with him, and my daughter goes to private school and becomes someone someday, or we get out of it alone and struggle and see what happens.

I notice you say 'my' daughter
if she's his daughter too he will probably be obliged to continue paying school fees if you split, and if she isn't his child & even if you're not married depending on how long you've been living De Facto, he may STILL be paying the school fees !
if he's that financial.

[pinxminx]

Feral, I know what you are on about. I've left him before and I crave that freedom that you are talking about.

[mango]

Mar 19, 2010 20:28:53 GMT pinxminx said:

Thanx for all the replies.
She is his daughter. But whenever we fall out and I tell him that I'm thinking of leaving, he says well that's it, I'm not paying her school fees anymore. My job would go as well, as basically I work for him. Everything is in his name (business and property) not mine, even though I've been married to him since I was 18. It's a bit of a very long story.
But thanks for the replies.

Divorce lawyers don't give a jot whose name heads the business, you may be interested to know you are probably entitled to house (you need it for his child) /a car/half his superannuation/ around 60% of his annual income in spousal maintenance & child support until she becomes of age & whatever school / Uni fees

it's the greatest triumph to be free - "money can't buy you love"

Stockholm Syndrome - also applies to unhappy marriages, but I'm sure you already know that having a Psychology degree