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Post by wetkingcanute on Aug 20, 2018 7:56:14 GMT
...and the winner is:
"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."
runners up:
"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx
The only one that actually made me laugh was : "I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
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moggyonspeed
New Member
"Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat."
Posts: 7,670
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Post by moggyonspeed on Aug 20, 2018 8:28:16 GMT
Some not bad ones there, but none can beat ...
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted." - Gary Delaney (2010).
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mids
New Member
Posts: 60,988
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Post by mids on Aug 20, 2018 8:33:34 GMT
Hmmmm, not a great collection. The exorcism one's quite good.
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mids
New Member
Posts: 60,988
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Post by mids on Aug 20, 2018 8:33:56 GMT
Also the job centre one.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 8:53:23 GMT
Old one, the exorcism one. Surprised it wasn't kicked out. The rest? Mediocre.
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Post by reverend on Aug 20, 2018 8:57:44 GMT
Like the goal post gag, and the Tardis one is good too, rest is more Christmas cracker stuff.
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nobody
New Member
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Post by nobody on Aug 20, 2018 9:16:15 GMT
Not bad, I did like moggies 🙂
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Post by perrykneeham on Aug 20, 2018 9:42:50 GMT
A couple of chuckles there but no rip-snorters. They all seem a little over-worked. Quite like the tardis one.
In other news: I got married this morning. 26 years after she first marked my card. I think she's earned her spurs.
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Post by reverend on Aug 20, 2018 9:48:06 GMT
Congratulations Perry, you can't be a bad old bugger if she put up with you for that long!
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Post by perrykneeham on Aug 20, 2018 9:57:46 GMT
Thabks Rev.
Sitting in the sun in dowmtown Brighton. I suspect it's about to get messy. It's only the two of us and our witnesses.
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nobody
New Member
Posts: 8,733
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Post by nobody on Aug 20, 2018 10:14:43 GMT
Wow, you’re getting wed?
Congratulations 💏
Now you’ll find out what she’s really like 😀😉
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Post by perrykneeham on Aug 20, 2018 10:40:41 GMT
Already happened. Done and dusted.
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moggyonspeed
New Member
"Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat."
Posts: 7,670
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Post by moggyonspeed on Aug 20, 2018 12:06:23 GMT
Many congratulations, pk. I'm tempted to say, "She'll make an honest man of you yet", but no - I'll leave that up to others.  Very best wishes. |
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Post by Repat Van on Aug 20, 2018 13:09:56 GMT
...and the winner is: "Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." runners up: "I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse "I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel "In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt "What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan "I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh "Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse "I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff "Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman "I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx The only one that actually made me laugh was : "I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh The vegan one made me laugh out loud. |
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mids
New Member
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Post by mids on Aug 20, 2018 13:13:18 GMT
Bloody hell, congratulations!
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Post by wetkingcanute on Aug 20, 2018 14:32:25 GMT
Congratulations Baloo!
Bloody Hell ~ about time!
Say Hi from me and Mrs. WKC
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Post by perrykneeham on Aug 20, 2018 14:49:09 GMT
Thanks. Will do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 16:04:19 GMT
Far out man! You suddenly seem human. I wish the pair of you (and your kids) all the best. Wow. Me and Mrs Ootlg have been married a long time; loved every bit of it, even the rucks.
I'm going to go and crack a bottle of champers now. Excellent.
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Post by wetkingcanute on Aug 20, 2018 16:15:13 GMT
He may "suddenly seem human" ...but he ain't.
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Post by Marshall on Aug 20, 2018 16:50:59 GMT
Congratulations, baloo. After 26 years there should be no surprises (fingers crossed).
None of those jokes made me laugh. Here are some better ones:
To the person who stole my anti-depressants: I hope you're happy now!
Went to a zoo the other day that only had a dog. It was a shitzu.
There was one other cage with a baguette in it. It was bread in captivity.
I have a fear of elevators but am taking steps to avoid them.
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