Edinburgh Fringe Festival ~ "best jokes"

[wetkingcanute]

My Sister got engaged to an Eskimo - but she broke it off.

[nobody]

The masochist said, “Hit me, hit me”

The sadist said “No”


Bloke set fire to his sister, he didn’t know the difference between incest and arson

[voice]

Whats acid rain and monkeys got in common? They both f**k up trees.

[nobody]

If an Earl is awarded an OBE, does he become an earlobe?

Milton Jones

[flatandy]

A man was arrested after falling into a combine harvester while trying to steal it.

He's due to be bailed tomorrow.

[flatandy]

And, of course, congratulation, Baloo. And commiseration Mrs Baloo.

[Deleted]

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

[voice]

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

[Marshall]

There's a bike in town that keeps running me over, every damn day. It's a vicious cycle.

[wetkingcanute]

"How many Germans does it take to screw in a Light Bulb?"


"One. They're efficient and not very funny."

[Marshall]

How many members of U2 does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one - Bono - and he just has to hold it there since the world revolves around his ass.

[voice]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

[nobody]

Had a call to say my wife was in Casualty, watched the programme for the full 50mins, I never saw her.

Still hasn’t come home yet, wonder where she’s got to

[moggyonspeed]

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”

[Marshall]

An Arab is crawling across the desert dying of thirst.
He crawls up to a Jew standing there in the middle of nowhere selling ties.
"You want to buy a tie?" he asks the Arab. "Only $10 each."
"Please . . . water . . . give me some water," the Arab rasps in response.
"Don't have any water," the Jew replies. "But way over past that sand dune there's a restaurant." He points off into the distance.
The Arab crawls off.

Four hours later he's back and practically on fire.
"Didn't you find the restaurant?" the Jew asks him.
"I found it - they wouldn't let me in without a tie."

[Deleted]

An Irishman fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned. Apparently he had to get out three times for a piss.

[nobody]

A termite walked into a bar and asked, “Where’s the bar tender?”

[wetkingcanute]

I say I say I say!

My Dog ain't got no Nose!

[unclejunior]

My grief Councillor committed suicide last week ....
fortunately he was so good I didn’t give a sh*t....!

[nobody]

My girlfriend has asthma and diabetes, so I bought her a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolate to cheer her up