moggyonspeed
New Member
"Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat."
Posts: 7,670
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Post by moggyonspeed on Aug 22, 2019 7:22:17 GMT
Karl Marx jokes - love 'em!
Apparently he hated classical music because of all the violins inherent in the system.
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Post by hammerhead on Aug 22, 2019 16:24:44 GMT
“one thing that defines our perpetually offended far left, anti fa and professional racist complainers etc is a singular lack of a deveoped sense of humour or irony They do not even drink tea, as all proper tea is theft,” I’ll get me coat.....! I think it was more like 'Marxists drink camomile, as proper tea is theft'. What isn't proper tea has to be defined for the joke to work really. |
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voice
New Member
Goals are a form of self inflicted slavery
Posts: 41,220
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Post by voice on Aug 22, 2019 18:58:31 GMT
“one thing that defines our perpetually offended far left, anti fa and professional racist complainers etc is a singular lack of a deveoped sense of humour or irony They do not even drink tea, as all proper tea is theft,” I’ll get me coat.....! I think it was more like 'Marxists drink camomile, as proper tea is theft'. What isn't proper tea has to be defined for the joke to work really. yeah, but for UJ the punchline of that attempt at a joke is a distance second. |
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Post by hammerhead on Aug 22, 2019 19:27:57 GMT
I was being subtle.
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Post by perrykneeham on Aug 22, 2019 20:22:30 GMT
I listened to some of the Fringe comedy acts on the radio this evening. Long on gays, lesbians and self-referencing Jewish yumurists, all of whom seemed to think that their sexuality and/or jewishness was reason enough for them to have a platform. Very short on laughs.
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Post by Marshall on Aug 23, 2019 22:48:11 GMT
Two men were walking down a street in Calcutta when they saw a nun coming their way.
"Hey, do you think that's Mother Teresa?", one asked the other.
"Hmm, kind of looks like her - let's find out."
As she neared them, the second man said, "Excuse me ma'am, are you Mother Teresa?"
The woman looked at them and shouted, "f**k off and die you inbred pair of steaming pant loads!"
After she passed them by, the first man looked to the other and said, "I guess we'll never know."
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Post by Repat Van on Aug 23, 2019 23:17:39 GMT
Two men were walking down a street in Calcutta when they saw a nun coming their way. "Hey, do you think that's Mother Teresa?", one asked the other. "Hmm, kind of looks like her - let's find out." As she neared them, the second man said, "Excuse me ma'am, are you Mother Teresa?" The woman looked at them and shouted, "f**k off and die you inbred pair of steaming pant loads!" After she passed them by, the first man looked to the other and said, "I guess we'll never know." Ok that one was way too subtle for me! |
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voice
New Member
Goals are a form of self inflicted slavery
Posts: 41,220
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Post by voice on Sept 24, 2019 1:41:08 GMT
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking greyhound For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.
"Yes," the greyhound replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the greyhound talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The greyhound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a greyhound would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the greyhound.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this greyhound is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2019 6:55:40 GMT
This won't do. I've got the giggles now.
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mids
New Member
Posts: 60,988
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Post by mids on Sept 24, 2019 7:20:53 GMT
Apparently there are only 7 categories of jokes. Which one does this fall under?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2019 11:32:34 GMT
Bus jokes?
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Post by Minge är en jävla besserwisser on Sept 24, 2019 13:15:29 GMT
greyhound bus jokes.
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Post by Marshall on Oct 11, 2019 19:11:06 GMT
Skydiving Instructor: Pull your chute!
Skydiver: My shoe?
Instructor: No - your parachute!
Skydiver: My pair of shoes?
Coroner: Where are his shoes?
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Post by Marshall on Oct 31, 2019 22:39:08 GMT
A guy goes to get a haircut from his regular barber.
Barber: "It's about time you showed up here again. What's new?"
Customer: "I'm going on holiday to Italy next week, really looking forward to it!"
B: "Next week? Oh, it'll be pissing down rain then. Always does this time of year, that won't be good."
C: "Hmm, well I will enjoy looking at the Romanesque architecture and some of the old Roman ruins."
B: "Overrated, and with all that rain you won't see much. Probably just get pneumonia walking around peering off into the distance."
C: (sigh) "Well, there's always the food. I love Italian food."
B: "Here you like it, over there it's thrown together like slop for the tourists that pay through the nose for it. What else?"
C: "I'm going to the Vatican to see the pope speak."
B: "Ha, you and 100,00 other people crammed into that square together. You'll be lucky to see the top of his hat."
Four weeks later the man is back for another trim.
B: "So you're back. How was the trip?"
C: "It was fantastic! Beautiful weather, couldn't have been better. Perfect for strolling around to admire all the gorgeous architecture. And the food was out of this world. Much better than any Italian food I've eaten here. I savored every bite."
B: "Really. And what about the pope? Did you see him?"
C: "Not only did I see him, but he looked out at the crowd from his little window, then came down and through the door to the plaza, walked right through the parting crowd and stopped in front of me."
B: "Did he say anything?"
C: "Yeah, he said 'Who in the world gave you such a f**k**g horrible haircut?"
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Post by Marshall on Nov 14, 2019 5:07:38 GMT
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Post by Marshall on Nov 14, 2019 5:08:47 GMT
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."
Red Skelton
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voice
New Member
Goals are a form of self inflicted slavery
Posts: 41,220
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Post by voice on Dec 18, 2019 5:23:09 GMT
 From a friend down under. |
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Post by perrykneeham on Dec 18, 2019 6:31:18 GMT
Is he a mute?
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voice
New Member
Goals are a form of self inflicted slavery
Posts: 41,220
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Post by voice on Dec 18, 2019 7:37:52 GMT
not now
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Post by Marshall on Dec 19, 2019 20:24:21 GMT
A very hot woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the bartender gives it to her.
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